There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
Selasa, 26 Agustus 2008
Son versus Mother
Once upon a time John, and Pamela lived in canada. His mother Jessica from America came to visit and she suspects of a relationship between the two, and this had onlymade her more curious.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered,"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Pamela and I are just roommates."
Than about 3 days later Jessica heads back to America.
About 4 days later, Pamela came to John saying,"Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house,I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left back to America.
Love,
John.
Several days later, Joe received an email from his mother which
read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Pamela, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love,
Mom.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered,"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Pamela and I are just roommates."
Than about 3 days later Jessica heads back to America.
About 4 days later, Pamela came to John saying,"Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house,I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left back to America.
Love,
John.
Several days later, Joe received an email from his mother which
read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Pamela, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love,
Mom.
Smart blonde!
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5.00, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.00. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.00. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
Who is smarter? (18++)
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Blind - Blonde Jokes..
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt in karate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Of course no! I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt in karate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Of course no! I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Great women comebacks....
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
Triplets and Bullets (18++)
A mother is pregnant with triplets.
There are two girls and a boy.
SHe is standing in a quik-e-mart one day, when the shop is robbed. She is shot three times in the stomach.
The doctor tells her the babies will be fine, but with some odd side effects.
13 years later, she is fixing dinner, and the oldest, a girl, walks in sobbing.
The mother says,"Sweetie, whats wrong?!"
The daughter replies,"I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out!!!"
the mother tells her there is no need to worry, and sends her on her way.
The next day as the mother is cooking dinner, the second oldest, a girl, walks in sobbing, "Mommy, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out!!!"
The mother tells her there is no need to worry and that the same thing had happened to her sister, then sends he on her way.
The next day, the mother is preparing dinner, and her youngest, a boy, walks in sobbing. The mother is prepared for him to do this, so she says,"Honey its ok, I know that you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out, right?"
Her son sobs harder,"NO thats not what happened!"
The mother says," Then why are you crying?!"
Her son replies," I was Jacking off and I shot the dog!!!"
There are two girls and a boy.
SHe is standing in a quik-e-mart one day, when the shop is robbed. She is shot three times in the stomach.
The doctor tells her the babies will be fine, but with some odd side effects.
13 years later, she is fixing dinner, and the oldest, a girl, walks in sobbing.
The mother says,"Sweetie, whats wrong?!"
The daughter replies,"I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out!!!"
the mother tells her there is no need to worry, and sends her on her way.
The next day as the mother is cooking dinner, the second oldest, a girl, walks in sobbing, "Mommy, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out!!!"
The mother tells her there is no need to worry and that the same thing had happened to her sister, then sends he on her way.
The next day, the mother is preparing dinner, and her youngest, a boy, walks in sobbing. The mother is prepared for him to do this, so she says,"Honey its ok, I know that you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out, right?"
Her son sobs harder,"NO thats not what happened!"
The mother says," Then why are you crying?!"
Her son replies," I was Jacking off and I shot the dog!!!"
Octovary, dari Gunbound hingga Antonio Stradivari..
Octovary...
Apaan sih?
Sering banget orang2 nanya apaan tuh octovary..
Apakah itu nama belakang gw, atau something..
Padahal ini cuman nickname biasa doank, yang selalu gw pake di dunia maya..
Tapi yakin ga ada artinya?
Setelah gw pikir2, ga juga sih...
Semua bermula dari game online arcade bernama GUNBOUND...
Seperti kebanyakan game online, kita mesti nyari userID yang unik buat character kita..
Nah waktu itu (tepatnya 3SMP), gw lg bingung, bikin nickname apa yah enaknya..
Eh kebetulan waktu itu entah darimana gw lagi ngena banget sama nama ANTONIO STRADIVARI..
Pertama2 cuman karena baca komik GETBACKERZ dan sedikit nyinggung nama itu, terus beberapa hari kemudian gw liat orang pake baju ada tulisan STRADIVARInya, ternyata setelah gw telusuri, ANTONIO STRADIVARI emang cukup terkenal di bidang musik, khususnya pecinta biola.. Nah kebetulan2 itu yang ngebuat nama STRADIVARI terngiang2 di kepala gw... Akhirnya gw mikir, "Wah, bagus juga nih kalo pake nama ini buat username GUNBOUND.". Tapi gw ga mao ngejiplak gitu aja, akhirnya gw kombinasiin deh nama STRADIVARI en bulan kelahiran gw, yakni OCTOBER... en jadi deh: OCTOVARY! hehehe..
Sekian penjelasan akan asal mula Octovary...
Ga penting sih, tapi siapa tau keluar pas ujian nanti..
hoahahahaha...
Apaan sih?
Sering banget orang2 nanya apaan tuh octovary..
Apakah itu nama belakang gw, atau something..
Padahal ini cuman nickname biasa doank, yang selalu gw pake di dunia maya..
Tapi yakin ga ada artinya?
Setelah gw pikir2, ga juga sih...
Semua bermula dari game online arcade bernama GUNBOUND...
Seperti kebanyakan game online, kita mesti nyari userID yang unik buat character kita..
Nah waktu itu (tepatnya 3SMP), gw lg bingung, bikin nickname apa yah enaknya..
Eh kebetulan waktu itu entah darimana gw lagi ngena banget sama nama ANTONIO STRADIVARI..
Pertama2 cuman karena baca komik GETBACKERZ dan sedikit nyinggung nama itu, terus beberapa hari kemudian gw liat orang pake baju ada tulisan STRADIVARInya, ternyata setelah gw telusuri, ANTONIO STRADIVARI emang cukup terkenal di bidang musik, khususnya pecinta biola.. Nah kebetulan2 itu yang ngebuat nama STRADIVARI terngiang2 di kepala gw... Akhirnya gw mikir, "Wah, bagus juga nih kalo pake nama ini buat username GUNBOUND.". Tapi gw ga mao ngejiplak gitu aja, akhirnya gw kombinasiin deh nama STRADIVARI en bulan kelahiran gw, yakni OCTOBER... en jadi deh: OCTOVARY! hehehe..
Sekian penjelasan akan asal mula Octovary...
Ga penting sih, tapi siapa tau keluar pas ujian nanti..
hoahahahaha...
Senin, 25 Agustus 2008
Catholic School Girls (18++)
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They
are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates pass St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a
pen*s?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched with the tip
of my finger..." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy
water and pass through the gates."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever
had contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies,
"Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ass in it!"
are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates pass St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a
pen*s?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched with the tip
of my finger..." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy
water and pass through the gates."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever
had contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies,
"Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ass in it!"
Mind what u said to your girlfriend..
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...
but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll
give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
but the girl said, "NO."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend...
so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up
the money very fast...
he won't even be able to get his pants down.
She agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to
call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened...She said, "The bastard used quarters!"
Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety
before agreeing to it, and getting screwed
but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll
give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
but the girl said, "NO."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend...
so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up
the money very fast...
he won't even be able to get his pants down.
She agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to
call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened...She said, "The bastard used quarters!"
Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety
before agreeing to it, and getting screwed
Mind what u said to your wife....
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Sleeping April
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept during the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
The Teacher fainted.
Usually she slept during the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
The Teacher fainted.
Why I call him son of a b*tch!
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bit**."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bit**?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bit**."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BIT**!!!"
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bit**."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bit**?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bit**."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BIT**!!!"
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